Music Video of the Month

Important Procedural Documentation

Lecturer Gaye Kyle provides detailed instructions on How to Perform a Digital Removal of Faeces.

The highlights:

• Inform patient of imminent examination
  
• Insert non-latex gloved, lubricated index finger slowly and gently, encouraging the patient to relax. Use one finger only.
  
• In scybala type stool is present (Bristol stool scale type-1) remove one lump at a time until no more faecal matter can be felt.
  
• In the case of a solid faecal mass, push the finger into the middle of the mass, split it and remove small pieces with hooked finger until no more faecal matter can be felt.
  
• If the faecal mass is too hard, larger than 4cm across and is impossible to break up, STOP and refer to the medical team for a possible digital removal of faeces under general anaesthetic.

Santorum 2012

In response to this article, Shitterbug would officially like to wish former Senator Rick Santorum a happy bid for President of the United States, should he so choose to run in 2012.

The Circle of Life

How come they never include this endearing story in Disney animated features? They show the mother robin feeding the chicks, but what about the rest of the story shared by The 15 Minute Lunch?

Robbers distract victims with feces in Toronto

AP

TORONTO — Toronto police say robbers are squirting people with feces at cash machines to distract them before stealing their money.

Constable Tony Vella said Friday that the robbers use squeeze bottles to squirt the victims who are making cash withdrawals. The offenders then help them clean the feces off their clothing, and in the process, they steal their money.

Vella said the robberies have happened four times in downtown Toronto in the past week.

He explained that in groups of four, one person squirts the victim's clothing, another points out the offending spot, a third person tries to remove it and the fourth person grabs the cash.

Exit Strategy

From Flowing Data:

If my wife, the physician, has taught me anything, it's that everything that has to do with the human body has a medical term or classification for it - and I mean everything. The other day she came home and asked, "Have you ever heard of the Bristol Stool Chart?" I hadn't, so she described. It's classifications for dootie. I thought it was a joke, but there's a Wikipedia entry for it. Ergo, it must be true.

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

This is almost 4 years old, but it so belongs here. Thanks, Jungle.

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.
(http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html)

Date: 2006-07-17, 2:10AM PDT

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You fucking Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

Fucking Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles.

* this is in or around ANAL LEAKAGE, ANYBODY?
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 182862349

A New Kindred Spirit

Contributor No Meato Burrito discovered a new Shitterbug brother: Prized Poops. We know it's a brother and not a sisters. What female would start a blog about feces?

World's Longest Shit

26 feet.

Strip Tease Gone Bad

Hat tip to erstwhile contributor NMB.

The Turd Twister!

From the manual:

Safety Considerations:

For your safety, maintain a firm grip on the the Safe-T-Floss™ Retraction Cord. Think of it as your "rip-cord to relief", should you ever find the Turd Twister in an inappropriate, or uncomfortable location. The Safe-T-Floss™ System was engineered to work to the specifications of most major dental floss manufacturers, however, for maximum security and peace of mind, you may wish to employ a 30-lb test fishing line. Heavier cord is recommended especially for users that have a tendency to "sphincter-pinch" during extrusion.

Check it out.

Oompa-Loompadee poo

My 7-year old son and I found this wonderful little bit of low-tech fecal-centric joviality whilst surfing for the Oompa-Loompa songs.

It WAS the Chocolate Factory, after all.