This story of a first date gone horribly wrong is surely fictional, but it's funny nonetheless. And it involves shit!

Dessert

The spouse and I were sitting at the dinner table enjoying our meal. From the bathroom came the voice of our 5-year-old, "Mommy, my poop looks like an ice cream cone!"

Authorities Use Feces To Find Suspected Thief

Special correspondent junglerock, who reported the turd-spelunker story below, send word of another turd-related story from ABC affiliate KOAT in Albuquerque:

DNA From Crime Scene Feces Tested Against Suspected Parolee

VALENCIA COUNTY, N.M. -- Detectives are interested in what a thief left behind in a string of burglaries in Valencia County.

...

The thief used the bathroom and left his solid waste on display for the homeowner.

...

The detectives on the case said they used the thief's calling card against him. The feces went into evidence and the state crime lab extracted DNA from it.

"We ended up getting a hit," [Detective] Rivera said.

Two-time turd-spelunker caught peering up from the bottom of pit latrines again

boing boing reports:

Portland's Gary Moody has been caught -- for a second time -- hiding inside a pit latrine at a campsite. The first time he claimed he'd dropped his wedding ring (authorities sieved the biomass and found no ring); this time he claimed he'd dropped his shirt. In an affidavit, he describes himself as having an "outhouse problem."

An iPhone App for Shitterbugs!

It looks like it is missing the central feature a Shitterbug would want: a photo log! Nonetheless, it should help the anally fixated keep precise track of their eliminatory activities.

Hey, You Got Your Wank on My Shit!

Enjoy this incredible piece of entertainment:

Like Father, Like Daughter

Today I met my wife and daughters at a local park for lunch. After we had finished lunch and had been playing for a while, my 5-year-old announced, "I have to go poop."

"OK", we said, "just hold on and we'll go to Daddy's office."

"I can't! It's coming out!"

"Well just try to hold it in."

We all started walking to the car, with her trailing behind.

"It came out my pants."

Sure enough, there was a little goat nugget on the ground. [Did we pick it up? Fuck no!]

As with most parental issues, I had to laugh. Wife laughed, too. Because when I was a kid I very often would "forget" to go inside when I had to shit and when I crapped in my pants I would just wiggle my pants leg and let the little balls of shit tumble out. Fortunately I (and she) tended to have pretty solid turds. Although I also remember going behind bushes and removing sloppy underwear and disposing of it.

Product Placement

An excellent product for the aspiring shitterbug. Combine sculpture and photography!

My Next Million

I laid a very long, perfectly straight turd in the toilet at my office just now, very similar to DookieMcLovin's long hard shit dick, but with one little round testicle to one side. I named it "Lance Armstrong". Unfortunately, I did not have any photographic equipment at hand, and I draw the line at having to run out of the office restroom to grab a camera and run back into the restroom.

Not having a camera handy is a constant problem for this Shitterbug contributor. But necessity is the mother of invention, so I just came up with the next great thing in the toiletry arts. Most of us have camera-phones these days, but why are there no "camera-toilets"? A small camera could be embedded in the underside of the toilet seat, facing down into the bowl. When the deed was done, and the depositor operated the flush handle, a photo would be snapped just prior to the corny goodness disappearing into the shitty hereafter. The camera-toilet could include a wireless network connection to upload the new image directly to Shitterbug!

Hey look! A book about shit!

Rorschach Stinkblot Test

Contemplating the soiled paper after a particularly messy poo, I folded it to reveal a new image for consideration. Would a psychoanalyst simply determine that I was uncreative if I saw the obvious butterfly or moth? Or would he or she issue a more damning diagnosis owing to the fact that I look for deeper meaning in my stains, then photograph them and post them online for the world to see?

What do you see?

My First Crappy Photo

As a new contributor to Shitterbug, I am thrilled to submit my first excrementalicious photo to the blog!

I am a bit of a Luddite, so I am always behind on procuring the latest technological gadgets. But when my 9 year old cell phone finally died a couple weeks ago, I decided to upgrade to a phone with a camera and email capabilities. Its compact, portable size now allows me the opportunity to discreetly carry photographic equipment into my office restroom and lovingly preserve the memory of my fecal offspring -- something that was not possible with my bulky digital SLR camera before. Amazing!

I purchased a data plan with my cell phone service, for unlimited web and email access, but I did not opt for a text messaging plan. My provider considers this "picture mail" as a text message, so I'll be charge 20 cents for transmitting this photo to myself. Therefore, this morning's sojourn into my office restroom joins the handful of times I've actually paid money to land a plane in the Hudson.

Plastic Letters and Numbers: It's What's For Dinner

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more free videos

All of this stuff would be really painful coming out of one's ass.

The 3.5 pounds of dry dog food experiment is disappointing. 3.5 pounds of sticky, clumpy canned dog food would have been the most similar to actual shit, and the real test of this toilet's flushing prowess.